Nothing to see here, move along ... no, wait, maybe there's something to see here

I had the mammogram and an ultrasound on my right breast today. Dr. Jain said that it didn't look like anything abnormal, but that because I'm now high risk for developing an invasive breast cancer, she'd like to do a biopsy on the right breast. Oh joy. The biopsy hurts more than the lumpectomy, but at least the recovery time is quicker.

I see Dr. Wilson (the Oncologist) on Wednesday, and then July 8th I'll have the biopsy.

I'm not crying, I have something in my eye.

I knew it was going to happen, it just took longer than I expected. My mom visited me in a dream last night.

I was in a theater, in the dark, and the lights came on, so I guess the play had just ended. I stood and turned around and my family was in the row behind me, still seated. My mom had been sitting behind me the entire time.

I said to her, "I've been waiting for you. I thought you were gone."
She responded, "No. I'm not gone. I'm always here." 

And then I woke up, but desperately tried to go back to sleep, to the dream. I wanted to talk to her some more. 

Today was hard. It feels as if I am finally starting to grieve. So many people tell me that I'm strong, but I don't see what they see. I just don't want to be that mopey person that is depressing to be around, so I am trying to be strong, and humorous, but today I just need to cry and possibly, admit that I'm really quite frightened about everything going on with my health. Today I am so grateful for Alan and his hugs, and for not having to be brave around him. I'm grateful for a beautiful day of sunshine. 

Results from MRI

Ambiguous, as always:

Dear Ms. Home:

Your MRI breast w wo contrast bilateral performed on May 22, 2013, shows the need for further evaluation. The Radiologist has recommended a right breast follow-up diagnostic mammogram.

My guess is that there's LCIS in the right breast as well. And since it doesn't show on a mammogram, this will be another exercise in futility. This whole business is tedious. I can see why people might ignore their health issues.

Everyday I'm shufflin'

I had the MRI last Wednesday. No results yet. It's not like on TV were they show you immediately after.* I'll discuss the results with Dr. Wilson in a couple of weeks.

I didn't realize that I was going to have to be injected with something.** If I have to have anything done involving my veins, I prep for it by drinking a lot of water the night before, as well as possibly work out a little. My veins are very tiny, and as such, the nurse had to make 4 attempts before getting one to work out. But that was the worst part of it. And the nurse was really nice, so I don't fault her for my teeny tiny veins. She asked the technician if we needed the injection, and the technician responded, "Yes. It's the money shot."

After that response, I was kind of in love with the technician. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a good sense of humor. She helped me into the tube - face down with boobs in holes, face in a hole, arms above head, like a massage table. I imagine that because I was face down, it didn't feel as claustrophobic as it could have.

I had ear plugs in, and giant headphones on. The technician talked me through every test, but first she tested the mic to be sure that I could hear her. She let me know that she'd be playing some "soft rock". So this is the first line I hear: "I've got a bad disease". Um, maybe not the first line you want to hear when in this situation.

Fortunately the next song was Party Rock Anthem. Except that it made me want to dance. No dancing allowed in the tube. Boo.

In other news - I thought I may as well make some money to fight cancer, so here's my Team in Training fundraising link: http://pages.teamintraining.org/sj/nikesf13/mhomet


*Why can't life be more like TV?
** "something" was gadolinium. Rare earth element. Kind of cool.

Interesting Read

This is a great article about DCIS. It's not the same about LCIS, but it applies:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/28/magazine/our-feel-good-war-on-breast-cancer.html?pagewanted=all

MRI is scheduled for next week.

Now With Twice the Options!

I met with my Oncologist today.* Weird. I have an Oncologist.** Byron Wilson, M.D., not to be confused with Brian Wilson. Alan and I liked him very much. Perhaps I liked him more because he said that I have nice breasts (not in a creepy way). Anyhooo ... I am sure you'd like some actual information here. You don't just stop by for a giggle. It's not all boobie tassels.

Dr. Wilson expanded the options:
1) Do nothing. Walk away and pretend this never happened. I might just get away with it. (Not recommended)
2) Close surveillance. MRI followed by a Mammogram six months later, and self exams
3) Start taking Tamoxifen as well as close surveillance
4) Bi-lateral Mastectomy

He explained so much more about LCIS. It was more than I could find online or in books. It's not as scary as I thought. You hear the word "cancer" and you naturally have a bad reaction.

I have plenty of time to make a decision, and not to worry, I will not choose option 1.

My next step is to have an MRI, which should happen the end of May. I will also be seeing a genetic counselor. I did the 23andme.com genetic testing, which showed I don't have the BRCA gene, but Dr. Byron would like to confirm this.

Thanks for checking in! It's nice to have some somewhat good news on what has been a difficult week.

*My mom was supposed to visit her Oncologist today too.

**My mom could never say "Oncologist". She always put in an extra "o": "OnOcologist". Or she'd just say "Cancer Doctor."

Side Tracked

I took a little break from processing everything and just didn't think about this for a week. Feels a bit like I was in a dream state.

Then this happened. My mom was in the hospital, being treated for pleural effusion. I was to call her Doctor this morning to find out next steps, but instead I got a call. Her heart had stopped. They tried for a long time to bring her back, but she was gone.

My mom would pray for me every day. I'm not a religious person, but now that she's gone, I miss that already - knowing that someone was praying for me. My heart is breaking. I don't care about my situation anymore. I just want my mom.