Honey, Sugar Sugar ...

I kept meaning to update - the June mammogram was clear.

I did try the tamoxifen for six weeks. I hated the side effects, so I went off it. I'm glad I tried it, so I'd know. And I'm also very glad to NOT be on it, and to have a choice on what I think is best for me.

I've been reading a lot about alternative healing, most of which is diet. I think there's something to it. One thing that I keep reading over and over is that cancer cells feed on sugar. Damn. I love sugar. It's like I'm an addict. I've been attempting to cut back. Some weeks are better than others. Hmm ... that does sound like addict talk, doesn't it?

Welcome to 2014

First things first, the MRI results were clear. 

I haven't started taking the tamoxifen. I know many people disagree with me, but frankly, it's not their life, nor their body. I have weighed the risks and benefits, and I'm at peace with just doing my 6 month check ups. Maybe something will change my mind in the future, but again, it's my choice. I didn't make the decision lightly. 

So here I am, in a health holding pattern until June when I have a mammogram. 

Otherwise, nothing is on hold. Juggling work and full time Graduate school can be a bit overwhelming at times, but I'm really enjoying school. I have at least two more years of it, so hopefully I'll still be enjoying it by the time I graduate! 

Thanks for stopping by. 

OX,

Miriam

The Answer to .... Life! The Universe! Everything!

"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.” 
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Ah, birthdays. Let's hope 42 is a magical number!

I had a good visit with Dr. Wilson (my oncologist) last Monday. He would like me to have another MRI in December, and another in June. He feels I've had enough mammograms/X-Ray exposure for the year and would like to avoid more, unless it's necessary. He also said that I shouldn't need to visit him for another year.

I inquired if there's anything more that I should be doing, such as changing my diet, and he said that I'm a healthy weight, and I exercise, and that those are enough. I shouldn't have to load up on kale (although I do enjoy it) or avoid dairy (which I do tend to avoid, unless it's cheese - man, do I love cheese), or anything like that. It was an interesting conversation. His thoughts on cancer diets are that there is not enough data to prove or debunk them. Sure, I should avoid refined sugar, but so should everyone, for many reasons.

"People who tell you what you should or shouldn't eat are basically trying to blame you for your cancer. They want to make sense of it, so if they can pin it on your diet, then it's a way to assure themselves that they won't get cancer. 'You didn't eat enough vegetables, but I eat a lot of vegetables, so I'll be okay. You eat sugar, and I don't, so I'll be okay.' Let me tell you something, Miriam. You didn't give yourself cancer. This isn't your fault. Sometimes bad things happen to really good people." 

And that, my friends, is why I adore Dr. Wilson. It was a very nice birthday gift to hear this. Not that I think this is my fault, but it's cool to hear, anyway.

Here's the latest question mark - to take or not take Tamoxifen. I have the prescription. It's sitting in the medicine cabinet. Haven't opened the bottle yet. I keep thinking there's going to be a perfect time to try it out. I'm to try it for three weeks, and if I don't like the side effects, I can stop. (Sounds like an addiction, doesn't it? "I can stop whenever I want! I'm in control, I swear!"

Thanks for stopping by! I should have the MRI results mid-December. (And now I have Jesse of Breaking Bad in my head, "Magnets, bitches!"

Who loves ya, baby?

"Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine." -Dr. Wayne Dyer

In January, I started a gratitude journal. I attempt to write in in Monday through Friday, and do most days. First, I write my 3 goals for the day, and then I write what I'm grateful for. 

The goals are not a "to-do" list. They are more along the lines of "Be gentle with myself." "Be kind, but firm." "Let go of perfection." "Focus." "Practice calm: Calm leads to calm." Sometime it's just one word. It's a nice way for me to start my day.

Gratitude has been on my mind a lot these days. I was flipping through my journal and found these entries from February, when this journey was barely beginning.:

2/19/13 

1) health 

2) school 

3) forgiveness 

Grateful for my amazing friends. Grateful for seeing the good in people instead of believing the worst. Grateful for my very loving husband. 
We all have a story we tell ourselves so that we can get by. It's only our truth. It's not anyone else's reality.

2/20/13

1) healthy emotions

2) health 

3) creativity 

Thanks for the perspective, Universe. Grateful for kind doctors and nurses. Grateful for great friends. Grateful for perspective and paradigm shifts. For Alan, who is my rock and I will always have him at the to of my grateful list. 

And then - I wrote this: 

What if this was it? What if life will be changing drastically and be shorter? What will I change? How can I make every moment matter? How do I stop being me? No, I like being me ... how do I be the best me I can possibly be? 

That's a big question - and I've been working on it this year! Some of it is letting go of people who don't have my best interests at heart. I have a hard time letting people go who don't love me back, but I'm working on it. Slowly, with care. 

I reached out to several friends recently, whom I haven't seen in quite a while. Two responded so positively and full of joy that it lifted me up. We're working on finding time to see one another soon, even though we live very far apart. Two other friends, who live close by, didn't respond at all. And while it hurts, how they treat me is their path. My only response is to love, and let them go. Carrying bitterness or anger won't help me. Fighting for these unresponsive friends to stick with me won't cure me. Those who can stick by me, will, and have. And for that, I am grateful.  

I'm grateful that I'm working on being the best me that I can possibly be. I'm grateful to you for sharing my journey with me! 

Celebrate the Negative

Genetic test results are in ... I'm negative all around! No BRCA 1 or 2, no genetic anomalies or mutations! Whew!

I'm not very good about celebrating when I have good news, so I'm hopeful to find some time soon to celebrate my negativity.

Next step will be determine what I want to do. I'm not very excited about taking tamoxifen. To take a chemical for 5 years, with PMS-like side-effects, what a joy. Will mull that over some more ...

Dish two: Meh

This looked promising! 

Here's the aftermath of the triple citrus juicing. Limes, oranges, and a lemon from our tree.  

 It sure looks pretty. The mint sprig really makes it. It didn't taste so great though, as I overcooked it. 10 - 15 minutes, not so much, as I checked it around 9 minutes and the internal temp was about 30 degrees too high. Rubbery cod is not a delight. I'll try this one again though, as the citrus/ginger sauce was yummy. We served this with the Napa cabbage salad, which was even better a couple of days later. 

Maybe next time I'll swap the cod for halibut. Here's what the the author (Rebecca Katz) has to say about it:

Halibut: Anti-inflammatory. The omega-3 fatty acids found in halibut have great health-promoting properties. *could reduce the risk of cancers including non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, multiple myeloma... may extend to common forms of breast cancer (among many others)

Hey good lookin' whatcha got cookin'?

The genetic testing was approved by my insurance! Shocking! I had blood drawn on August 30. Results take 3 - 4 weeks, so while I'm waiting, I thought of a new project. Yeah, I know, like I don't have enough on my plate, but I do need to eat.

I'm not going to be ambitious enough to pull a "Julie and Julia" but I thought this might be fun. Please forgive my photography. I am obviously not a food journalist, and next time I plan to take a photo of the wreck I made of the kitchen. There was shredded cabbage everywhere for this first recipe, but alas, I had cleaned it up before I realized how fun it would be to show the mess.

I bought this book last year, when a friend was diagnosed with cancer. I sent her a copy, with the idea that she'd select something, and I'd make it and bring it to her.

So it turns out she was so ill that visits were not recommended, and she was barely in the mood to eat anything. (She's in remission now, and doing wonderfully!) I never made anything from the cookbook, until tonight.

In progress - I added mushrooms, because they were in my Farm Fresh to You box, and I was worried they weren't going to last much longer. I'm not sure if mushrooms are good for cancer, but organic produce probably isn't going to make it worse, right?

And yum - here's the final dish! I know, I know, you're quite impressed by the artfully placed cilantro. 

Check back soon, maybe I'll attempt another dish! Or maybe I'll have genetic testing results first! Or, check back to see if Alan liked this dish. He's taking some to work tomorrow. Stay tuned.